don't regret what you had to kill

heyhey y'all! it is eliza!!

i'm doing a blogpost because lately i feel different.

i'm not as bright as i was. i've lost my spark and i don't like it.

i love the same people i loved before.

i'm happy and satisfied, but i don't feel the same as i always have.

i've become a perfectionist. i would prefer to study than spend time with friends. it's becoming increasingly difficult to cope with my physical shortcomings.

sometimes i feel like i have self-control. i've never felt that before. i can concentrate. my mind isn't filled anymore.

i get just as drunk as before. i'm equally as reliant on alcohol to cope with this razzamataz we call life. but it doesn't make me happy. it just numbs the feeling. which is good. but it's different.

i've lost my sex drive. and i am my sex drive. i don't want to be with anyone. the thought of a relationship makes me uncomfortable. i feel totally disconnected from the life creating cycle of the human race. i just don't get that side of life anymore.

at first i thought it was good, i was growing up, becoming more mature and reasonable and sensible. but i've realised that i'm not growing up. because i'm not me. eliza isn't sensible or mature or practical or anything like that. i never was and i never will be. i'm growing sideways, and not in the direction i ever would have wanted.

and i can still act how i used to. but it feels so false. i know that i realistically don't care who got evicted from big brother. and that is not me. i'm living in the body of who i used to be, and i can make it do the same things it used to , but i'm different on the inside. a completely different person. so fucking weird!!

it feels like a different person is living in my body.

and without realising it, everybody treats me like the person i've become. they can get away things they never could before. and they don't really understand why, but i'm not the person they want to spend time with anymore. sometimes i feel betrayed and abandoned and alone. but then i remember, it's the old eliza that cares. i'm beginning to understand that this is how i am meant to be treated, because this i who i am.

the craziest thing is i don't really mind. i'm resigned to my fate. i'm comfortable. i'm happy. that's just how the new eliza rolls.

.

trapped