Thursday, November 09, 2006

sin began with a woman, and because of her we all die.

yay for the bible. i have an essay due in around seven hours, and i need to fit sleep in there somewhere. so i thought it would be a pretty intellegent time to write a blog.

okay guys i wanna play a game ok.

here is my favourite bible passage:
"Restore my strength with raisins
and refresh me with apples!"
(Son 1:5)

i like it because it has an ! mark.

second place goes to
"i am weak from passion.
His left hand is under my head,
and his right hand caresses me."

hehe j-porn. the j stands for jesus. ok hot guys please do this for me or at least just go find a random cool bible passage and post it! i am derangged because it is 2:46 and i can't stop thinking about women in the gospel of luke.

please.

.love eliza.

omg i really desperately need to tell you guys about this thing wot happened the other night but i wil save it for later.

"'he rubbed my face on the ground and broke my teeth on rocks'
that is seriously about god. hehe

lurve eliza.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

maths

Q: why did i just drink a mocha?
A: because i enjoy nausea immensly, and find shaking hands and that seasick feeling in my head/brain helps me to write essays on the gospel of Luke.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

the girl down the street said a dog couldn't bark cos a man with an axe cut it's voice box out

the noises that the trains made sounded like people in my head

i keep attrachting scary freaks on public transport. i know that is a sorta obvious statement but seriously every bus/train that i hop on that is not going to uni has had some sort of scary/disgusting person talking to me or something. or aborigionals shotting goon. or something annoying like that

not too sentimental, but i want you to know

saaairs i saw son of man last night. i thought it was really good as well. and i noticed things that you pointed out. my favorite bit was the noise at the very end (trying not to give too much away)

so please don't pack away your summer clothes. cos there's still gardens i wanna grow with you.

so anyway after me and joe saw son of man we spent ages talking in the carpark at chermside. we decided to stay together while he is in macedonia for six weeks. so that was nice. i was encouraging him to have a fling but he decided not to. i will miss him a bit. he leaves on the 27th. his mom hasnt seen her family for 11 years! how crazy is that??

we'll take a car ride out to the country

anyway my point behind this is that after we decided to go get mcflurrys. so i was driving and wateva and my windscreen was really foggy due to it being freezing (WTF was with that by the way) . and when i put the aircon on my car can't really go over 30, so on gympie road thats a pretty bad option. so i was driving along trying to see the lanes and then i hear this BLURP! and it was a siren!!! and it was a police car behind me sirening me!! but a detective type of police car ! so i just shit myself and i'm like gah! is that me? what do i ???!?!?!?!? a joe's like yep, it's you, you have to pull over. and i did. and i was like omg what did i do? we knew i wasn't speeding cos we were having a conversation about how we didn't like speeding. jow though that they were going to tell me that my car wasn't roadworthy which it probably isn't. but anyway the girl comes up and i am trembling unbelievably and freaking out and this was our conversation ok guys:
scary police lady: Hi just a ramdom breath test and license check
me: ok (scrambles uselessly for licesne, trys to hand lady licesnce without dropping it)
spl: have you been drinking at all tonight?
me: no
spl: where are you going?
me: mcdonalds
spl: just blow in here pleasee (so i did)
spl: right. is this your car?
me: no it's my parents
spl: have you drivin it before?
me: yep
spl: it's just you were braking lots and it seemed like you didn't know what you were doing
me: oh the windscreen is really foggy, i couldn't see.
spl: ok.

and that was it. so then i had to drive away with them watching me and my hands shaking unbelievably. and then i was flaining my arms at joe at the lights and they pulled up next to me. so bad. anyway yeah it was super terrifying. my legs were shaking so bad i had to hold them still on the breaks and i was too scared to do anything but drive in a straight line until we got to carseldine. poor joe was just like, um we have to pull over or we will end up at the sunshine coast. i felt so sorry for him. and i had to haul sukis delapedated ass up the hill thing at maccas which was bad. but then joe drove home to chermside which was nice of him. that was seriously the most terrifying moment of my life. but luckily i was just i bad driver, i didn't actually do anything wrong. so yeah. i feel nervous just writing about it. haha i was driving so badly they thought i was drunk. tehe. gah *has tantie*

oh i found this poem in my file while i was looking for my caligula assignment for sarah (couldn't find it btw). and it is so teenage and angsty i love it. so you can enjoy it.

You’re everything I’ve been told I should be
It’s UNFAIR!!
Why the fuck can’t that be me
So clean and pure
It’s so FUCKING unfair
You’re the girl who they take home to momma with pride
I’m the girl with the secrets; I’m the one that they hide

You worry about whether your house is clean
WTF? You have a fucking house
WTF does that mean?
Who on earth has a house at age 19?
If I had a house I would fill it with shit
From corner to corner
Dirt and grime so thick

That I couldn’t see clearly
In the bowl when I was sick
From the night on the town that I have every night
From that one too many
No number of tears can clear vision that thick

You worry about whether your house is clean
I worry about whether there’s a baby in me

You’re everything that I’ve been told I should be
It’s so fucking unfair
Why can’t I be just me?

yep i know i am awsome/a loser.

it's funny how you can miss someone when they are sitting next to you

in other news i am now a emplyee of wagamamas fortitude valley. it is a noodle bar. i like to say i work in a doodle bar in the valley. heh. it is pretty good. they are oipening one at chermside and all their staff went there so that is why they needed me. they are opening one in queen street soon. apparently htey are quite popular in the southern states. it is so good working a place where the customers are in a good mood and they want to be there. make apologising for stuff ups easier. i was pretty surprised i got the job but yeah i did. y'all should check it out. if i still like it when uni goes back then i will quit bilo. which i am ather pleased aboout. right now i have 4 jobs which is verging on ridiculous. okay it is totally ridiculous but smeh. i am still poor tho.

thanks myself

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
"I scarcely remember how the wish was originally excited; and was in the Spring of last year induced"
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What's there? air
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Australian Idol (i will marry dean on morrows eve)
4. Without looking, guess what time it is:8:53pm
5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?9:17pm
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?josh pyke in my right ear "how long will my belly ache with hollow", csi in my left. and the sound of my fingers hitting the keys.
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?walking from my car to the house when i got home from work
8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at? bilo chocolate wafers
9. What are you wearing?bilo clothes which are dirty and crushed
10. Did you dream last night? i guess so
11. When did you last laugh? today at work i would say
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? (kristy your comment was hilarious here). some australian style paintings, a cartoon map of new zealand, a map of the americas, a map of egypt, a computer-generated image of mt. everest., a photo of santorini, a photo of a tibetan house, a really long paperclip chain suck in zig-zagish patterns with several photos that i took and millions of drawings that blake and grandma and grandpa did stuck throughout it.
13. Seen anything weird lately? only whenever i open my eyes
14. What do you think of this quiz? pretty good
15. What is the last film you saw? son of man
16.If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? a house on the beach for my parents, a house near uni for me, a vodka factory, trvels, and i would invest the rest with BoQ (6.9% how good is that!?)
17. Tell me something about you that I don't know: i really apprechiate that you put a colon insted of a question mark on this question, whoever made this up wasn't a 14 yr. old slut with a pink myspace. i can't think of anything that i haven't told someone who reads this blog.
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? i would make all weapons disappear, and remove the parts of everyones brain that lets them think about weapons. actually i would remove aggresion cos we don't really need it anymore.
20. George Bush: smells like a turtle
21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Amani, Amithi, Astrid, Baina, Chenoa, Ebony, Enya, Frieda, Halyn, Isra, Kallima, Kimi, Lana, Leila, Lottie, Luyu, Malia, Reyna, Saoirse.
22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Barrett, Bem, Frederick, James, Oscar, Oliver, Pax, Raimi, Ruhan, Zale. (i clearly am a loser who wants babies. i am going to have triplets called Lottie, Oliver and Oscar, and two of them are gonna marry sarahs boy and girl twins and the other one shall be gay. yesyes. go look up the meanings of my names! thats what makes them good)
23. Would you ever consider living abroad? only for a bit
24. What do you want to say to God when you reach the pearly gates?whoops about the whole life thing i did there. this is pretty surprising. guess i'll catch ya later.

this blog had a similar format to my last blog. so totally. i rock.

love you!!!!!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

you can lay your body in the hollow where i used to be and you could fill me in

i am listening to josh pykes' album and it is the greatest creation ever. just so you know. i looove it. so much. you really have no idea how awsome it is. i strongly recommend you aquire some of his music somehow. it will improve your life for 2.27 minutes. trust me. it is the kind of music that you can become totally absorbed in. so that you can't hear or think or feel outside of the song.

i am going a little mental because i have run out of water. i refuse to drink the tap water because somebody has poisioned it or something. mabye it has just been contaminated i don't know. i realise that that sounds a little bit insane but i can taste it and i just know. so if i was you i wouldn't drink tap water. i'm seriously not joking. strongest gut instinct i've ever had.

do you wanna be the one who saw me falling and didn't even try to catch me?

i realised earlier today that life must be really hard for porn stars. because they have to choose between having no gag reflex and sucking big penises really well. or having a really good gag reflex and being a skinny bulimic. i guess thats just a career decision that they have to make. i wonder how many calories are in sperm?

my neighbours dog attacked a kitten from the neighbours on the other side. we rescued it but but it died in my arms. blake was devestated... he has trouble controlling his emotions. then again he saw the whole thing and heard it's back break and stuff like that so i guess i should cut him some slack. i had to tell the people that their cat died and i didn't know what to say and i was tactless. it isn't the dog fault, it never gets walked and it gets fed once each week. the rspca was ment to come pick up the dog today but it didn't. i was sorta relieved cos i would miss him and so would teasha.

my mum got an insulin pump so now she doesn't have to inject five times each day which is good. but it is bad cos it doesn't really work that well so now she has hyperglycemia. which eventually led to ketoacidosis. which makes her breath smell bad and also can comatose you pretty quick. but i think that has improved.

well i haven't done one of these for a while so...

1 . What is your occupation? student and bilo worker and usher
2. Like banana sandwiches? yes esp. when combined with honey. that is possibly the most fattening sandwhich ever but i love it anyway.
3. What are you listening to right now? josh pyke surprisingly enough
4. What was the last thing you ate? chips
5. Do you wish on stars? i did once when i was young and suffering from a condition called hope
6. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? probably red. bright and bold. and the one that always gets lost.
7. How is the weather right now? it's night and for some stupid reason i figure that there is no weather at night
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Claire beary quite contrary how does your garden grow? lloyd
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? this question is irrelevant
10. How old are you today? 18 years, 7 months exactly
12. Favourite sport to watch? ballet :) yay! but if you mean actual sport then i guess gymnastics or syncronised swimming
13. Have you ever dyed your hair? yes and it never really looks very good.
14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? both crazily enough. not at the same time though.
15. Pets? dog=teasha, cat=zebby, both=my loves
16. Favourite month? april probs
17. Favourite food? chicken and chocolate and coffee
18. What was the last movie you watched? supersize me i think
19. Favourite day of the year? i don't really have one
20. What do you do to vent anger? i refuse to let the anger build up in the first place. this is achieved by being emoitionally empty :)
21. What was your favourite toy as a child? this doll called melody that was my mums
22. Fall or spring? autumn
23. Hugs or kisses? hugs
24. Cherry or Blueberry? blueberry all the way
25. Do you want your friends to email you back? i think that would be an unrealistic expectation
26. Who is most likely to respond? the entire world
27. Who is least likely to respond? the entire world
28. Living Arrangements? me, mother, father, and north brisbanes most delinquent 14yr old
29. When was the last time you cried? not sure... i think a couple of months ago
30. What is on the floor of your closet? shoes... my clothes are stored on the floor of my bedroom and all over my study desk
31. Who is the friend you have had the longest? my mum
32. What did you do last night? watched tv
33. What are you afraid of? someone breaking into my house while i am in it
35. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers ? how does none sound?
36. Favourite car? suzi!! no seriously i hate that car just as much as i love it. today she got up to 65 and i was so proud of her. she was going down a hill tho.
37. Favourite dog breed? i love nearly all dog breeds. probably springer spaniels.
38. Number of keys on your key ring? two
39. How many years at your current job? 3 exactly... crazy
40. Favourite day of the week? probably wednesday.. body pump and pilates and it is payday and sometimes claire comes to uni and we drink. yay.

farewell my loves! i am going to turn up my music very loud and lay on my back in the darkness and live!!!



cos there's a couloring pad in the back of my head and i wanna fill you in.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

erizagm88

THE PROBLEM: I need to write a big essay on the representation of women in the gospel of luke

THE SOLUTION: Half a bottle of very cheap, very acidic and truly magnificent bubbly

Life still sucks, I have a headache and mary magdalene is still represtented as the black part of black and white. Also I am starving. But it all feels so good J

FACTS:

1. Bono is a pretentious git who need to reduce the level of cumquat encrusted tofu in his diet

2. I saw 'the covenant' today. it is about male witches who fight each other. it made me want to burn myself at the stake.

3. Political activism makes me feel happy inside.

4. PG 4 PM

5. I just had to go turn the tv off so i could concentrate on this. i can't remember the purpose but i can remember having a purpose.

6. I have a crush on Josif

7. I either have too much or too little hair. i will probably give myself a trim in a glass ot twos time.

*. Oh i seriously can't remember dammnit it was so good i can tell.

fuck it

9. I was secrectly hoping that tism would go to the arias but it was to no avail

Sunday, October 22, 2006

pfft i am a nerd. but still.an email i got.

This is a bit freaky, but to be honest the three crazy men running around at the moment attacking woman could be anywhere....they currently have no leads.

This is no Joke

Through a Rapist's Eyes (No Joke)

This is important information for females of ALL ages.

When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends. I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My men friends have female friends and this information is too important to miss someone. Please pass it along.

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1. The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair Women with short hair are not common targets.

2. The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who's clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around specifically to cut clothing.

3. They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4. Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5: 00a.m. and 8:30a.m.

5. The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages Number three is public restrooms

6. The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.

7. Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.

8. If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming

9. These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.

10. Several defence mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: "I can't believe it is so cold out here", "we're in for a bad winter." Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.

11. If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP or STAY BACK! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

12. If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

13. If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY VERY HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it hurts.

14. After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble and he's out of there.

15. When the guy puts his hands up to you , grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible!. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

16. Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behaviour, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts!!!

You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their chequebook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

A.) If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5. A few! notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.

6. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

7. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

8. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

9. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. H e walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

************* Here it is *************

10. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door."

The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it! , but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

We, and all others who believe in freedom as deeply as we do, would rather die on our feet than live on our knees.

Monday, October 02, 2006

sam i can

today i was walking across the great court at uni when i noticed a bird sitting randomly in the middle. i thought it might have been hurt or something so i went to have a closer look. it looked like it was sitting down on something. i could see two green eggs under it's belly. it was only then that i noticed the random twigs scattered around it, i realised that over the uni break the bird must have made it's nest in the middle of the great court. on the ground. thousands of people must walk all over that court every day. the bird was so afraid, she couldn't have left her eggs all day. she must have felt so tired and hungry and belwildered and scared. i knew that the chances of her eggs surviving were unbearably slim. all it could take was somebody walking without looking, or a gardener mowing the lawn, or a stray animal, or some dickhead trying to impress their friends. and i was so sad for the poor little bird. she is going to have to sit there all day until they hatch and are old enough to leave. i felt connected with her too, because that is the kind of decision i would make if i was a bird. and i know how i would feel if my babies were in that much danger. paul said she was a plover. it made me feel sorta like this.

fin.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

the man from hong-kong

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you,
comfort and care for you?
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You've always known
Your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
life can be lived
life can be loved
Alone.

Thursday, September 14, 2006




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Tuesday, September 05, 2006

That's ironic...

i just fell asleep in a lecture on alertness. four times.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Gossip

1. somebody at bilo is pregenant
2. somebody at bilo is a vrigin (who you totally wouldn't expect)

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

feg penis poo

sometimes i wish that i was the most important person in the world to somebody. I was thinking and if the world was gonna blow and everyone i knew could take one person into the shelter with them, i would never be their first choice. i'd make a fair few top threes fo sure. but i would never be number one. sometimes i wish that i could be that friend people call when they need a chat. all i want to do is help people. but nobody would ever think of me that way. sometimes i wish people wondered about how i was feeling deep down inside. sometimes i wish that people would value my thoughts. sometimes i wish i was a human and not just the running joke. sometimes i wish people considered my feelings before they acted. sometimes i wish people would see the truth when i say that i don't care. sometimes i wish people didn't tell me to do stupid stuff cos they are too afraid to do it themselves. sometimes i wish it wasn't my fault. sometimes i wish i was stupid. sometimes i wish i didn't hide the signs. sometimes i wish someone would ask me how my day had been. sometimes i wish i could be religious so i could reassure myself it would all be ok. sometimes i wish i had a true friend. sometimes i wish people who write wingy blogs and shove them on the internet would be a little bit selfless and deal with their problems by themselves. hehe.

love and peace!!!!! eliza

Sunday, August 13, 2006

i don't need you usb!!

Matthew!!according to wiki (10/8)
The one aim pervading the book is to show that Jesus of Nazareth was the promised Messiah — he "of whom Moses in the law and the prophets did write" — and that in him the ancient prophecies had their fulfillment. This book is full of allusions to passages of the Old Testament which the book interprets as predicting and foreshadowing Jesus' life and mission. This Gospel contains no fewer than sixty-five references to the Old Testament, forty-three of these being direct verbal citations, thus greatly outnumbering those found in the other Gospels. The main feature of this Gospel may be expressed in the motto "I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil" (5:17).
This Gospel sets forth a view of Jesus as Christ and portrays him as an heir to King David's throne.
The cast of thought and the forms of expression employed by the writer show that this Gospel was written by Jewish Christians of Judea
Authorship
Although the document is internally anonymous, the authorship of this Gospel is traditionally ascribed to St. Matthew, a tax collector who became an Apostle of Jesus. The early church fathers were unanimous in this view. Results of modern critical scholarship, however, have departed from that tradition, with the vast majority of experts agreeing Matthew the Apostle could not have written the Gospel which today bears his name.
The relationship of Matthew to the Gospels of Mark and Luke is an open question known as the synoptic problem. The three together are referred to as the Synoptic Gospels and have a great deal of overlap in sentence structure and word choice. Out of a total of 1071 verses, Matthew has 387 in common with Mark and the Gospel of Luke, 130 with Mark alone, 184 with Luke alone; only 370 being unique to itself. It is generally agreed among scholars that the author of Matthew wrote his Gospel in Greek, independently of Luke, using the Gospel of Mark and an unknown second document as literary sources (this scenario is called the two-source hypothesis).
Like the authors of the other Gospels, the author of Matthew wrote according to his own plans and aims and from his own point of view. Many speculate the author borrowed from other sources. The most popular of these views in modern scholarship is the two-source hypothesis, which speculates that Matthew borrowed from both Mark and a hypothetical sayings collection, called Q (for the German Quelle, meaning "source"). A similar but less common view that accepts Markan priority but rejects Q is the Farrer hypothesis, which theorizes that Matthew used Mark for a general outline while adding information for the audience he wished to reach. Still others believe the testimony of the church fathers and postulate that Matthew was written first before Mark or Luke. Under this scenario Mark and Luke both borrowed from Matthew or Luke borrowed from Mark who borrowed from Matthew (see: Augustinian hypothesis and Griesbach hypothesis).
In The Four Gospels: A Study of Origins (1924), Burnett Hillman Streeter argued that a third source, referred to as M and also hypothetical, lies behind the material in Matthew that has no parallel in Mark or Luke.[1] Through the remainder of the 20th century, there were various challenges and refinements of Streeter's hypothesis. For example, in his 1953 book The Gospel Before Mark, Pierson Parker posited an early version of Matthew (proto-Matthew) as the primary source of both Matthew and Mark, and the Q source used by Matthew.[2]
Critical biblical scholars, like Herman N. Ridderbos in his book Matthew, do not consider the apostle Matthew to be the author of this Gospel. He cites a number of reasons such as the text being in Greek, not Aramaic, the Gospel's heavy reliance on Mark, and the lack of characteristics usually attributed to an eyewitness account. [3] Francis Write Beare agrees, and goes on to say in his book The Gospel according to Matthew "there are clear indications that it is a product of the second or third Christian generation. The traditional name of Matthew is retained in modern discussion only for convenience."[4]
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Date of gospel
There is little in the gospel itself to indicate with clarity the date of its composition. Some conservative scholars argue that it was written before the destruction of Jerusalem, probably between the years 60 and 65, in part because the Second Temple's destruction is believed to be prophesized by Jesus while there is no reference to this event actually being fulfilled. (Matt 24)[citation needed]. Liberal scholars usually date the gospel between the years 80 and 100, in part because they believe the reference to the temple's impending destruction shows it actually was written after the fact. Most scholars agree that the writings of Ignatius reference, but do not quote, the Gospel of Matthew, suggesting the gospel was completed at the very latest by the turn of the 2nd century.
A minority of conservative Christian scholars argue for an even earlier date, as seen in the 1911 Catholic Encyclopedia: "Catholic critics, in general, favor the years 40-45..."[5] In recent times, John Wenham, one of the biggest supporters of the Augustinian hypothesis, is considered to be among the more notable defenders of an early date for the Gospel of Matthew. He cites almost unanimous agreement by the Church Fathers in placing Matthew before Mark, in addition to internal evidence within the gospels. Furthermore, Carsten Peter Thiede in Eyewitness to Jesus argues for redating the Magdalen papyrus and the Gospel of Matthew to before the year 70. Another reason for an early view is the Jewish emphasis of Matthew which could point toward a time period before Gentile belief in Jesus became prominent. This would place it in the pre-destruction time period, possibly the 50's. [6] Scholars who defend a later date for the gospel cite multiple reasons for their view, such as the time required for the theological views to develop between Mark and Matthew (assuming Markan priority), references to historic figures and events circa 70, and a later social context.

Most contemporary scholars, based on analysis of the Greek in the Gospel of Matthew and use of sources such as the Greek Gospel of Mark, conclude that the New Testament Book of Matthew was written originally in Greek and is not a translation from Hebrew or Aramaic
Theology of canonical Matthew
According to R.T. France: "Matthew's gospel, more clearly than the others, presents the view of Jesus as himself the true Israel, and of those who have responded to his mission as the true remnant of the people of God . . to be the true people of God is thus no longer a matter of nationality but of relationship to Jesus." [9]
Of note is the phrase "Kingdom of Heaven" (βασιλεια ουρανος) used so often in the gospel of Matthew, as opposed to the phrase "Kingdom of God" used in other synoptic gospels such as Luke. The phrase "Kingdom of Heaven" is used 32 times in 31 verses in the Gospel of Matthew. It is speculated that this indicates that this particular Gospel was written to a primarily Jewish audience, as many Jewish people of the time felt the name of God was too holy to be written. Matthew's abundance of Old Testament references also supports this theory.
The theme "Kingdom of Heaven" as discussed in Matthew seems to be at odds with what was a circulating Jewish expectation -- that the Messiah would overthrow Roman rulership and establish a new reign as the new King of the Jews. Christian scholars, including N. T. Wright, The Challenge of Jesus, have long discussed the ways in which certain 1st century Jews (including Zealots) misunderstood the sayings of Jesus -- that while Jesus had been discussing a spiritual kingdom, certain Jews expected a physical kingdom.
The relationship between Jesus Christ and the "Kingdom" is also mentioned in the other gospels. Jesus had said, "My kingdom is not of this world. If My kingdom were of this world, then My servants would be fighting so that I would not be handed over to the Jews; but My kingdom is not of this realm." (John 18:36 NASB
Sermon on the mount
There are no actual mountains in this part of Galilee, but there are several large hills in the region to the west of the Sea of Galilee, and so a number of scholars do not feel the mountain is the most accurate understanding of the phrase. Gundry feels it could mean mountainous region, while France feels it should be read as went up into the hills. Less clinical academic analysis amongst some modern Christians has suggested the location as a mountain on the south end of the Sea of Galilee, near Capernaum.
One possible location of the sermon is on a hill that rises near Capernaum. Known in ancient times at Mt. Eremos and Karn Hattin, this hill is now the site of a twentieth century Catholic chapel.
The reference to going up a mountain prior to preaching is considered by many to be deliberate reference to Moses on Mount Sinai, and though Hill disagrees, arguing that the links would have been made far clearer, Lapide feels that the clumsy phrasing implies that this verse is an exact transliteration from the Hebrew passage describing Moses. Augustine of Hippo in his commentary on the Sermon on the Mount supported the Moses parallel, arguing that this symbolism showed Jesus is supplementing the precepts of Moses, although in his later writings, such as the Reply to Faustus, he backs away from this view.
The Sermon on the Mount was, according to the Gospel of Matthew, a particular sermon given by Jesus of Nazareth (estimated around AD 30) on a mountainside to his disciples and a large crowd (Matt 5:1; 7:28). The recounting of the Sermon on the Mount comes from Matthew 5-7.
The best-known portions of the Sermon comprise the Beatitudes, found at the beginning of the section. The Sermon also contains the Lord's Prayer and the injunctions to "resist not evil" and "turn the other cheek", as well as Jesus' version of the Golden Rule. Other lines often quoted are the references to "salt of the Earth," "light of the world," and "judge not, lest ye be judged."
Many Christians believe that the Sermon on the Mount is a form of commentary on the Ten Commandments. To many, the Sermon on the Mount contains the central tenets of Christian discipleship, and is considered as such by many religious and moral thinkers, such as Tolstoy and Gandhi.
links
http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/loisy2/chapter5.html
-detailed verse by verse
http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/goodspeed/ch11.html
The Gospel of Matthew is biography with a purpose. Jesus, though legally descended from Abraham through David, is really the child of the holy Spirit—a very Jewish way of saying that he is both sinless and the Son of God. It was the Jewish practice to cast their beliefs in story form, instead of in propositions, like the Greeks. Think of the first clause of the Apostles' Creed, "I believe in God the Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth," side by side with the first words of Genesis.
In the genealogy, 1:1-17, the generations arc grouped into three fourteens, so that Jesus would begin the seventh seven—a symbol of his supreme
[1] Testimonies (Cambridge, 1916).
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significance, reminding us of the use of sevens in the Revelation: 1:4; 2:1; 3:1; 4:5; 5:1; 8:2, 6; 10:3, 4, etc. The four women named in the genealogy—Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, and Uriah's wife—are mentioned perhaps as a kind of apologetic for the Nativity in advance of the narrative, as much as to say, "If anyone stumbles at what he may think an irregularity in the immediate ancestry of Jesus, look at the ancestry of David and the kings of Judah."
The homage of the astrologers meant to the ancient mind, as Ignatius said forty years later, that with the coming of Christ magic was overthrown.[1] Astrology it must be remembered commanded the attention of some of the ablest men of the first century, like Tiberius, who, before he became emperor, seems to have spent years at Rhodes in the study of it.[2]
Jesus is divinely addressed as Messiah at his baptism and is victorious in the temptation conflict. He proceeds to declare his message in a series of six great sermons, most of them dealing with some aspect of the Kingdom of God or, as Matthew prefers to call it, the Kingdom of Heaven. The first of these is the Sermon on the Mount.
The approach to the sermon is carefully built up by the evangelist. Jesus has already achieved a wide reputation as a healer, exorcist, and preacher. Great crowds followed him about. When he saw the crowds, he went up on the mountain, as Moses had done. We must not soften Matthew's "mountain" to "hillside," for he uses the stronger word advisedly to remind us of another who went up on a mountain, Exod. 19:20, and came down with the Tables of the Law. What can the new lawgiver offer to equal that? Matthew's answer is the Sermon on the Mount. "There he seated himself," he goes on—the sign that Jesus was about to teach, for the oriental teacher taught seated, Luke
Then the evangelist returns to his series of sermons for his plan is to interweave sermon with incident. In fact, Matthew is doing two things in his book; by the six sermons he is exhibiting Jesus as a supreme teacher; and he is at the same time showing how he offered himself and the Kingdom to the Jewish people and was refused by them, to their own destruction.
He sets out for Jerusalem, well aware of his danger in going there, enters the city in messianic fashion, as Matthew is careful to point out, and proceeds to clear the Temple of money-makers. Challenged by the authorities, he responds with the Marcan parable of the Wicked Tenants, the point of which Matthew underscores by inserting the words. "That, I tell you, is why the Kingdom of God will be taken away from you, and given to a people that will produce its proper fruit. Whoever falls on that stone will be shattered, but whoever it falls upon will be pulverized!" To Matthew's readers the meaning was only too plain. The cornerstone, which had been rejected by the Jewish people, had fallen upon them, and they had been pulverized. Matthew did not overestimate the blow that had befallen them. Nineteen centuries have passed, and their national existence and cultus have never been revived.
This sentence marks the turning-point in the action of the Gospel of Matthew. Jesus had confined his efforts to the Jews; "I am sent only to the lost sheep of Israel's house," he had said to the Canaanite woman, 15:24. He had sent the Twelve not to the heathen or to the Samaritans but to the lost sheep of Israel's house, 10:5,6. Now he turns from them. In a fifth discourse he denounces the people's religious leaders for their hypocrisy and pretense, chapter 23. Their superior religious privilege—prophets, wise men, and scribes—they had steadily refused, 23:34, and in consequence
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there was coming upon that age all the blood guilt of history. "All the righteous blood shed on the earth from the blood of Abel the upright to the blood of Zechariah, Barachiah's son, whom you murdered between the sanctuary and the altar! I tell you, all this will come upon this age."
Of course, the reason Matthew wrote this terrific sentence was that he had heard of its fulfillment. He could hardly refer more unmistakably to the terrible scenes attending the fall of Jerusalem in A.D. 70, which Josephus so graphically describes (Wars v. 12-vi. 9). It is idle in the presence of such a picture to say that Matthew does not show any knowledge of the fall of Jerusalem, and on the other hand it cannot have been very long after that event that he wrote so feelingly about it:
0 Jerusalem! Jerusalem! murdering the prophets, and stoning those who are sent to her, how often I have longed to gather your children around me, as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, but you refused! Now I leave you to yourselves. For I tell you, you will never see me again until you say, "Blessed be he who comes in the Lord's name!"

Exploring the Gospels This is a printer friendly version of the "Exploring the Gospels" article from LifeofChrist.com. Gospel Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are collectively known as the gospels. The word "gospel" comes from an Old English word that meant "good tale" or "good news." Today the word "gospel" is used to describe the 4 New Testament books that present the life of Christ. In a general sense, gospel is also used to describe the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. Indeed, the story of Jesus is good news! Gospel of Matthew Matthew presents Jesus as the promised Messiah, the King of the Jews. Matthew contains five great collections of Jesus' teachings. Keys
· Key Verse: Matthew 27:37
· Key Words: Kingdom, Fulfill
· Key Dates: Written between 37-68 A.D.
· Time Period: From 5-4 B.C to 30 A.D. (early) or 33 A.D. (late). Author Matthew was a Jew, hired by Rome to collect taxes in Capernaum. He was also known as Levi. Jesus called him to be an apostle. Matthew was probably wealthy. He hosted a great feast for Jesus. See Luke 5:27-32 and Matthew 9:9-13. Audience Matthew was written to Jews who were familiar with Old Testament prophecy. Jewish customs were not explained in this gospel. Matthew often mentioned the Law of Moses. King of the Jews Matthew was written to convince Jews that Jesus was the promised Messiah. The book opens with a genealogy to prove that Jesus was an heir to King David. Matthew's birth narrative contains five prophecies that were fulfilled. Arranged for Memorization When Matthew was written, people often memorized scripture. Matthew arranged his material so that it was easy to remember. Groups of threes and of sevens are often used in Matthew. For example, there were 3 gifts, 3 temptations, 7 parables, and 7 woes. See chapters 2, 4, 13, and 23. Handbook of Teachings Matthew is a handbook on the teachings of Jesus. It contains five collections of teachings concerning the Kingdom of Heaven. The Kingdom's law, mission, mysteries, greatness, and future can be respectively found in chapters 5-7, 10, 13, 18, and 24-25. Did You Know? Jesus predicted the destruction of Jerusalem nearly 40 years before the Romans attacked the city. He advised followers to leave Jerusalem when they saw signs that it would be destroyed. See Matthew 24:15-22 and Luke 21:20-24. The Romans destroyed Jerusalem in AD 70, following a 3-year campaign. While Jerusalem was under siege, a Roman general named Cestius Gallus unexpectedly "recalled his soldiers"1 in 68 A.D., enabling those familiar with Christ's prophecy to flee Jerusalem.2
Gospel of Mark Mark is a fast-paced gospel that portrays Jesus as the powerful, suffering servant of God. Mark shows that Jesus taught with authority, as affirmed by the miracles He performed. Jesus' life of service was completed when He sacrificed Himself on the cross. Keys
· Key Verse: Mark 10:45
· Key Words: Immediately, Authority
· Key Dates: Written between 40-65 A.D.
· Time Period: From 28-30 A.D. (early) or 30-33 A.D. (late). Author Mark traveled with his cousin Barnabus and with Paul. Peter and Paul favorably mentioned him. He was known as Mark (Latin) and John (Hebrew). Audience The book of Mark was probably written for Romans. Mark often explained Jewish words, customs, and places. He used Roman time rather than Hebrew time. And he translated some words into Latin. Fast-Paced Gospel Mark is a compact, action-oriented gospel. Mark omits the birth and genealogy of Jesus, and moves straight into His baptism and ministry. The teaching passages in Mark seem condensed when compared to other gospels The Visual Gospel Mark has a modern, factual reporting style. He writes in the present tense, and often uses the word "immediately." Mark is a visual gospel, full of colorful descriptions. For example, when Jesus fed the 5000, the people sat on "green grass" (Mark 6:39). Gospel of Emotion Along with visual details, Mark recorded emotions and gestures. For example, Jesus was "moved with compassion" and "touched" a leper (Mark 1:41). The rich young ruler "ran" and "knelt" before Jesus who "loved" him (Mark 10:17-22). Did You Know? Early Christian scholars believed that Peter influenced Mark's account. In scripture, Peter referred to Mark as "my son" (1st Peter 5:13). According to Papias, "Mark, who became Peter's interpreter, wrote accurately, though not in order, all that he remembered of the things said or done by the Lord."3 And Irenaeus wrote, "Mark, the disciple and interpreter of Peter, himself also handed down to us in writing the things preached by Peter."4
Gospel of Luke Luke presents Jesus to the Gentiles as the savior of all mankind. Luke contains numerous references to the activity of the Holy Spirit. Women are given special attention in Luke. Keys
· Key Verse: Luke 19:10
· Key Words: Son of Man
· Key Dates: Written between 59-61 A.D.
· Time Period: From 6-5 B.C to 30 A.D. (early) or 33 A.D. (late). Author Luke was a Greek doctor. He was the friend of the Apostle Paul, who referred to Luke as the "beloved physician" (Colossians 4:14). As befits a doctor, medical details are often introduced in this gospel (Luke 4:38, 5:12, 6:6, 9:39-42, 18:25, 22:44). Audience Luke wrote the third gospel and the book of Acts. Both were addressed to a man whose name meant "one who loves God." Jewish customs and places in Palestine are often explained in Luke. Educated Historian Luke was an educated physician and an inspired historian. Luke is often considered to have the best literary writing style of all New Testament authors. His account was compiled from eyewitnesses to the ministry of Jesus (see Luke 1:2). Chronological Gospel Luke's careful narrative was written "in consecutive order" so that his reader would know the "exact truth" about the life and teachings of Jesus (Luke 1:1-4, Acts 1:1-2). Chronology was important to Luke. Events in Luke were often accompanied by datable references to historic figures (Luke 1:5, 2:1-2, 3:1-2). Women in Luke Luke paid special attention to women. The birth narrative was written from Mary’s perspective. Women contributed monetarily to Christ’s ministry (Luke 8:1-3). Women observed the crucifixion (Luke 23:49). Jesus first appeared to women when he was resurrected (Luke 24:1-10). Gospel of Prayer Luke revealed the prayer life of Jesus. Jesus prayed at His baptism (Luke 3:21). He often prayed in secret (Luke 5:16, 6:12, 9:18, 9:28-29). He gave thanks before eating (Luke 9:16, 22:17-19). Significant prayers in Luke include the "Lord's Prayer" and the prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane (Luke 11:1-4, 22:39-46). Two parables found only in Luke highlight the importance of persistent prayer (Luke 11:5-13, 18:1-8). Did You Know? Luke was probably a Greek. He was the only non-Jewish New Testament writer. Luke is the only gospel with a sequel – the book of Acts. Luke wrote the longest gospel account. Luke's writings account for more than 25% of the New Testament. Luke has 18 parables that are found in no other gospel. For example, the Good Samaritan, the Lost Sheep, and the Prodigal Son are only found in the book of Luke (See Luke 10:25-37, 15:4-7, 15:11-32).
Gospel of John John is the gospel of belief, and was written to show the world that Jesus was the Christ, the "Son of God." Jesus was sent by the Father to give eternal life to believers. Keys
· Key Verse: John 3:16
· Key Words: Believe, Life, World, Father, Son
· Key Dates: Written between 80-98 A.D.
· Time Period: From 27-30 A.D. (early) or 29-33 A.D. (late). Author James and John were the sons of Zebedee and Salome. They were fishermen who were business partners with Peter and Andrew (Luke 5:10). John was one of the three who were selected to be with Jesus at the raising of Jairus' daughter, the transfiguration, and in the Garden of Gethsemane. In addition to the fourth gospel, John also wrote 1st, 2nd, and 3rd John, as well as the Revelation. Audience This gospel was directed toward a Gentile, Christian audience. John frequently explained Jewish customs and often described places in Palestine. John's Purpose John’s purpose for writing this gospel was expressly stated in John 20:31, "these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that believing you may have life in His name." The Different Gospel The gospel of John is very different from the gospels of Matthew, Mark, and Luke (the synoptics). Events recorded in the synoptic gospels were set principally in Galilee. By contrast, most of John's gospel was set in Judea. While the teachings of Jesus in the synoptics came primarily in the form of sermons and parables; John presented His teachings within the context of conversations that Jesus had with others. Seven "I am" Claims Jesus made seven great "I am" claims in John. These are reminiscent of God's "I am" statement in Exodus 3:14. See John 6:35, 8:12, 10:9, 10:11, 11:25, 14:6, and 15:1. "Signs" in John Miracles in John are referred to as "signs." The signs are given to confirm the deity of Jesus. The seven principal signs from this gospel are in John 2:1-11, 4:46-51, 5:1-9, 6:1-14, 6:16-21, 9:1-7, and 11:1-46. Deity of Jesus John emphasized the eternal nature and deity of Christ. This gospel reveals a great deal about the relationship between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Some of the deepest truths about God can be found in within the four chapters of the upper room discourse (John 14, 15, 16, and 17). Did You Know? The public ministry of Jesus lasted for approximately 3 ½ years. We know this because John recorded 3 Passovers during Christ’s ministry (John 2:13, 6:4, and 11:55).5 The mothers of John and Jesus may have been sisters (John 19:25). Some of the most memorable events in the life of Jesus are presented only in John. For example, only John recorded the wedding feast at Cana, the woman at the well, and the raising of Lazarus (John 2:1-11, 4:1-42, 11:1-12:11).
1 Josephus, Flavius. Wars of the Jews 2.19.7 (circa 75-80 A.D.). 2 Eusebius. Church History 3.5 (circa 315 A.D.). 3 Papias. Exegesis of the Lord's Oracles via Eusebius, Ecclesiastical History 3.39.15 (circa 140 A.D.). 4 Irenaeus. Adversus Haereses 3.1.1 (circa 180-199 A.D.). 5 Hoehner, Harold W. Chronological Aspects of the Life of Christ, Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1977.
Gospels at a Glance This chart shows some of the unique characteristics and key differences between the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
Writing
Matthew
Mark
Luke
John
Audience
Jews
Romans
Greeks
Gentile Christians
Author
Tax collector and apostle. Also known as "Levi."
Missionary with Barnabus and Paul. Called a son by Peter.
Greek doctor who travelled with Paul. Wrote Acts as sequel.
Fisherman, apostle, and elder. Wrote 5 NT books. Died at an old age.
Date Written
37-68 A.D.Probably written after Mark.
40-65 A.D.Probably the 1st gospel written.
59-61 A.D.Probably written after Mark and Matthew. (Luke 1:1-3)
80-98 A.D.The last gospel written.

Content
Matthew
Mark
Luke
John
Depiction of Jesus
King of the Jews
Powerful Servant of God
Perfect Savior of Man
Son of God
Key Words
Kingdom, Fulfill
Immediately, Authority
Son of Man
Believe, Life, World, Father, Son
Key Verse
Matthew 27:37
Mark 10:45
Luke 19:10
John 3:16
Characteristics
Evidence to prove Jesus was the promised Messiah.
Fast paced and visual.
Careful and historical.
The gospel of belief.

Fast Facts
Matthew
Mark
Luke
John
Miracles
29
23
23
10
Parables
31
13
37
3
Sermons
10
5
13
8
Times the OT is Quoted
45
23
23
14
Notes
Handbook of teachings about the Kingdom.
All but 4 chapters present at least 1 miracle.
Has more parables than any other gospel.
Teachings are presented as conversations.

Size
Matthew
Mark
Luke
John
Chapters
28
16
24
21
Verses
1,071
678
1,151
879
Words
Over 23,000
Almost 15,000
Over 25,000
Over 18,000
Size Notes
3rd largest NT book
5th largest NT book
1st largest NT book. Acts is 2nd with over 24,000 words.
4th largest NT book.

http://www.lifeofchrist.com/life/gospels/print.asp accessed 7/8/6

Thursday, August 03, 2006

mumps and measles...rubella of the heart.

today i am going to tell you about me. i am sitting in the computer room at uni. i am in a brown velour jumper that i hate with a passion but it matches my shoes so what can you do. my hair is down and has decided that it will have a massive kink whether i make it a side fringe or put it in the middle. i hate it strongly. i just ate a packet of mixed lollies yay. i need to poo. i am in a puffy green skirt that is hippyish in a way. but it is really short and has lots of lyers i can't describe it. i have stoking on and my ugly brown shoes with big bows on them. i am reading the new testement intermittantly. on my hand is written 'Dickhead who rules'.

okay that probs enough. i ment to write about how my brother might have chicken pox and i have never had it so i have set aup a terile zone in my bedroom, and i wont go anywhere near blake. or anybody who has touched him. oh anyway i am bored.

Here is another Jesus quote for you: 'do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces'

thanks jesus. goodnight my lieblings!!

Sunday, July 30, 2006

we've got the teamwork to make the dream work!

you know what's funny? the fact that it takes all my energy to stop my dog eating her vomit. you know whats funnier? the fact that it had a coin in it. you know whats funnier? the fact that it was shaped like a poo.


okay. im reading matthew 4. it is pretty cool. i take great pleasure in the fact that i use the same book for religion and biology. w00t. bringing peace and unity to the world one step at a time. the other day i was actually reading these saying thingys and one of them was 'imagine what you would do if you knew you couldn't fail.' at that moment i saw dr. eliza gawne in africa or some such third world nation curing the sick and helping the poor. blah blah blah etc. i was terribly dissappionted that i didn't come up with something more like being a millionaire or being famous. such a stupid pusssy. yeah smeh. interesting to think about anyway.

in other news i have i cold which i caught off emilija who is a poo. last night i had a massive argument with my mother about whether being cold gave you a cold but she wouldn't listen to my good sense. i also had an argument with my father about what constitutes a reverse park. gah.

okay im up to matthew five and there is this little gem. 11"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." okay. all you christians out there, you suck. your religion makes no sense you are being ignorant to believe such a thing in this day and age. go a pick a religion like islam where they have bothered to make the myths at least plausable. okay. no need to thank me for the free blessing. anytime any christian are feeling a little un-blessed, just call me up and i will happily tell you how silly it all is. free blessings for all!!!! i do love christianity though, i'm not actually paying it out, so don't even think about whinging about how you have the right to believe whatever you want to. i dont actually care i just tpought i would give you a blessing. i'm so kind.

i met a christian in the city the other day and he kindly informed me that i was definately going to hell, and that purgatory didn't exhist. this is what happens when you are a penticostal. your brain stops working. god, i am so nice. he was using bible passeges to prove to me i was a bad person. i was like,k but you are using your moral system to judge me, i don't think the same things are good as you do. so he was like 'but god thinks this' GAH!!!! pooopooo. anyway. i actually just stood there laughing. it got less funny when he tried to tell me how all muslims beat there women because it says the should in the quran. i got i little bit annoyed by his intolerance at that point. so then he started talking about the railians. what an easy target. anyone can prove that they are insane. anyway, the point i'm making is that blind, unwavering and fanatical faith like that is the most dangerous and hate inducing thing in society today. i just gave a christian a great reward in heaven.

But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell
you fool. haha i am in danger of hells fire. okay i should really stop paying out the bible. it is pretty rude. um my brother found this thing on newgrounds about a ball or something and it is hilarious. it refers to big muscly lesbian. i will try to find it somewhere and stick it up there. oh it also talks about nazi pirates. and later zombie nazi pirates. AWSOME. in the genre of a childrens storybook.

today i had my first lectorial aka liger. awsome. my lecturer devotes at least 10 mins of every hour explaining how uq/he is the great thing ever. he says that because uq is a research university, we are hearing about the research before it has beeen published and we are at the front line and whatever. and our lecturers are the people who discovered the concepts we are talking about. he is of course one of these brilliant people. also today we were looking at pictures of mice that they put some jellyfish gene in so that they glowed in the dark. is it glowed or glew? both sound retarted but yeah. so i felt sorry for the poor little flouresant green glowing mice.

sarah is on her way up to see me. yay. we are going to make free badges. yay for the union. it makes me consider paying the fees. insteed i have decide to buy at leat one alcoholic beverage a week from the red room. lately i have beeen sitting next to those big lake things in the big park section thing. it is really peaceful and awsome. also there are apporx a trillion bird to watch. this one poor girl who was sitting near me made the mistake of feeding a duck. the birds at uni are like european beggars. these duck were jumping in her bags and shit and on her trying to get her food. if it was me i would have been terrified and run away screaming but she handled it really well and eventually they went awayish. but yeah.

wow this is such a meaty/pointless blog. it is because uni drains my ability to remember that nobody cares about my everyday life. oh also in biology they handed out our cds which we have to do a personal response to the stimulus on them. anyway they got the guy who runs the science show on ABC national radio(awsome) to do the introduction and it was so wankerish and i need to find some way to put it on here. so look out for animated ball and science wankers. oh well i am going to go and do pilates now (yay!!). so i best be off. i started this blog years ago. i just had psyc and i have decided that my favorite part of the brain is the hippocampus, just cos the name is so cool. pre-frontal cortex is also pretty good function wise, but the name is so blase.
okay well goodnight leiblings!! i thought i would finish this blog off with some advice from jesus.... Matty.5.29 If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

love and peace, eliza

“Life is a precious gift, don't let your life pass you by. Start now by taking very small steps to gain knowledge to help your self, build your self-confidence and leave safely. Take enough small steps and soon you'll be far, far away from him.
You are important, you are beautiful and you deserve the best. Just imagine how good it would feel to be free, to be able to go wherever you want to go, do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. Hold that thought and don't let go for anything. This is YOUR life - take it back! Remember, you are never alone, all you have to do is reach out.”

-Heather Jayne

Thursday, July 27, 2006

FACTS

1. If you don't set your alarm, you will wake up late
2. If you are running late, every bus is early and every train is delayed
3. If you remember to set an alarm, you should give yourself more than 30mins to wake up, have a shower, eat breakfast, find a thin towel for the gym, put clothes on, figure out what bus to catch etc.
4. I have two lecturuers that sound like kermit the frog
5. My reln lecturer doesn't care if we go over the word limit or hand in assignments late
6. There are 28 people in my reln lecture
7. this may have something to do with the fact that it is 'the world of jesus and the early christians'
8. half of st. margarets is in my psyc lecture
9. this makes me want to kill myself
10. st. margetets sent me another flyer about how excellent it is
11. i am going to write to them to tell them to stop sending propaganda, and explain that i am not interested in leaving money for them in my will.
12. today i went to a step class then yoga and i felt bad in yoga cos i felt like i smelt really bad and all the people around me left early
13. there's not a star in heaven that we can't be
14. it is stupid that most university lecturers come from a different country
15. i hate melissa at work because she is boring as fuck
16. also she only acts nice when there are boys/persons of authority aorund her
17. in sids cases where foulplay is suspected, the blame always falls on the mother
18. pascall jelly beans are my favorite food
19. amber at work has a bit of a phobia of sour lollys due to a childhood warhead incident
20. i have sore underarm muscles

love and peace, eliza

make a little birdhouse in your soul

Monday, July 24, 2006

i'm writing a blog for kristy cos she did one for me

i had my introductory lecture biol1015(human biology) today. anyway they were talking about the course and they were saying that we would have lectures, practicals, tutorials(pegs) and LECTORIALS. That's right. that is right up there with cybrary in the book of ridiculous uq terminology. the lecturer kindly explained that it was a mix between a lecture and tutorial, which helped clear it up a little. we decided to call them ligers. just because, yano. anyway i found it rather awsome and though you should hear about it. okay bibye!!

love poolizaberry.

Friday, July 14, 2006

i have standards!

yay! i drew a picture! so last night i went and saw 'puppetry of the penis' with mum. it was mad fun. i bought the dvd and the instruction manual. and then i took her out to dinner in the city. so hott. im going to work soon. cool. it is suncorp so my urge to committ suicide is lessened.

ok. i changed back into my religion subject
w00t. now i have to buy a book entitled REASON & RELIGIOUS BELIEF AN INTRODUCTION TO THE PHILOSOPHY of religion. yay arts!

love eliza.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

The Phantom of The Opera

I was gonna do that thing that kristy did where you review your first five shuffled songs. i got distracted and wrote a page-long list of random songs. anywooo.....

1. I Make Hamburgers-The Whitlams
This song is about a guy who picks up girls in his hamburger making job and teaches them how to be "d-d-d-d-dirrty girls; like you". It is really catchy and boppy. Also it has this cool solo bit in the middle. I like it cos the subject matter is kinda d-d-d-d-dirrty but the tune is really wholesome, with woo-hoo-hoos. I also like it because he is talking about his sexual conquests, but he still obviously really liking this one chick. And i think that that is really sweet and that more people should prove their devotion through sex with others.
8/10

2. F**K THE SYSTEM- System of a Down
The main thing i like about this song is it's high unintelligibility levels. It brings back memories of Sarah trying to sing it at school and sounding rather creative. I'm not really that into SOAD right this second, but this is still a pretty good song. It is a bit too loud and angry for somebody as highly apatheticasmyself. haha i couldn't be bothered to put in spaces. way to prove myself right.
6/10

3. Sunnyroad- Emiliana Torrini
This song is really pretty. It is sad though. It sounds a bit like a suicide note to me. i really like the style. It is cool because the song is still quite optimistic, like both the words and the music, even though it is sad. It makes me thing of a little girl in a flowy dress dancing in a fairy garden. Through a clouded lens. Yeah. It also makes me think of bamboo for some reason. i think because it is so delicate. Some days this song is uplifting but sometimes it make me cry.
8/10

4. New York, New York- Frank Sinatra
Well this is obviously a really awesome and famous song. It is really good for singing along to, i think it would be popular in kareoke bars. Well i really like it. It is oldschool obviously. This song just makes me happy even though it is sorta about being angsty and repressed. I have the live version and it is flawless. That amazes me muchly. Also, i appreciate the use of the word vagabond. Now that's a word. One of good old frankie's bests i would have to say. I wanna wake up in that city that doesn't sleep too.
7.5/10

5. Paco Doesn't Love Me- Spazzys
This song has the awsomest music ever. It is sorta combining lot's of other songs. All i wanna do is dance around awesomely. In the style of an epileptic fit. This is my second favourite spazzy's song i would have to say. i like it because it is strong and angry and passionate, and not many love songs are like that. If all girl bands Mae music like this girl bands wouldn't suck. Some of the lyrics are quite cute but the overall tune and style of this one is definitely what makes it rock.
7/10

yeah. Now damn good times by TOMBS is playing. i was really upset that there were no songs by TMBG in there, they do make up around 1/4 of my songs. i wanted to give every song 8/10 but i made myself not. Okay well yeah. i rawck. i am writing a song at the moment entitled 'slit my wrists'. i mainly get inspiration for it when i am on the toilet or being subject to emo music by my husband. yeah, so that should be exciing. Wonder if I'll make it big.mabye if i lose ten pounds.

love and peace : )
eliza.

you don't love me, you love your broken ego

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

amway bitches!!

BIOL1011: Genetics and Evolution - 5
PSYC1030: Intro to Developmental, Clinical and Applied - 7
RELN1000: World Religions - 6
SPCH1100: Speech, Language and Hearing Disorders - 5

GPA: 5.75

Fuck yeah bitches! i'm passing my arts degree! even the science section of it!!! w00t!! i rock this shitbox!

today i have my first driving lesson. i feel slight trepedation. also the other day i farted so hard that it cracked my tailbone back into position. crazy. moral of the story: don't fart unless it flows out smoothly.

okay. w00tagus bitches!!

love and peace. eliza.

fuck yeah!!!!

Monday, June 26, 2006

mad fag!

blogger retartedly decided to give me back every blog i had ever deleated but not make them actually able to work. this was especially retarted as when i first had a blog i thought that posting was the same as making a new blog... so i had about seven of them. anywa darling old elizismad came back to me and i took it as a sign that i should reinstste its holiness. so w00t. i feel like i just got back from a long trip...